I LOVE to fly —  takeoff is my favorite part.

As soon as I hear those jet engines revving, I lean back in the seat, close my eyes and wait.  I wait for the inevitable race down the runway.  Pushed back in my seat by the speed, my heart beats a bit faster as the plane reaches the magic speed that allows it to go from rushing down the runway to soaring into the clouds. I wait for that moment when the wheels leave the runway and we’re flying. I love the sensation.

I don’t doubt we’re going to make it off the runway — I don’t doubt that we’ll climb high above the clouds.  I just lean back and trust that long, metal cylinder with wings.  I trust it to take me thousands of feet into the air.  I don’t understand how the whole air flight thing works — and yes, I know it’s lift and speed, yada, yada, — but I just trust  that it does work.  That’s enough for me.

And yes, I know that engines fail, pilots make mistakes, and airplanes fall from the sky. And still I pay money to take this ride.

If only I would lean back and trust God.  If only I would trust Him to take me from running on the ground to soaring above the clouds.  I know who He is and I trust His will for my life, but it’s the leaning back part that I can’t seem to master.  Instead of enjoying the ride, I want to understand the process.

I want to know why, where, how and when — and I want to know it all now.  I struggle to rest in Him because I want to control the destination –I want to know where we are going, why we are going this way, how we are getting there and when we’ll arrive.

But I want to soar with Him more than I want to know all the details, so I’m learning to lean back and enjoy the ride  because I know He has a great adventure for me, if only I’ll trust Him.  I’m walking out the Proverb:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

It’s not  easy for me — the girl who loves to CONTROL everything, but it’s incredibly liberating.  I just take the next step and leave the rest up to Him.

What about you?  Are you leaning back and trusting God even when you don’t know where you’re headed?

Comparison breeds discontent.  I don’t know if that is a famous quote or just something I’ve heard, either way it is truth.

I struggle to make sure I don’t compare myself to other speakers, authors, moms, wives, christians because I will always come up short.  Recently, I was lamenting (which is a big, fancy word for whining, but doesn’t it sound better?) over not being asked to be a part of a certain group.   I looked at who was chosen and felt even more hurt.  Not only had I NOT been invited but they invited her.  Lord, I thought YOU called me to this walk?  Wouldn’t this be the PERFECT place for me and this message YOU gave me?  Her message is just not as good a fit as mine, don’t you think Lord?  

And for some reason the Lord just didn’t agree with me.

Then it hit me (or really the Holy Spirit gave it to me) – her success does NOT mean my failure.  I can get so caught up in the statistics that tell me success is only indicated by size of groups you speak to and number of books sold.   I see the limited number of speaking spots available and assume if she gets one, then I don’t get one.  But it’s not true — God has room for every single one of us.  We are all unique and if God has called us to it then He will equip us to serve those He has called us to.

I can’t compare myself to any one else – we are all unique.  We all serve the same God and the messages may sound similar, but we are all very different.  And God has equipped each of us to serve in different ways.

We can all struggle with comparison — I wrangled with this LONG before I was ever a speaker.

Do you struggle with comparison?  How do you deal with it?

Just the other day I asked the question – why do I do what I do?  I loved the responses – both public and private.  It’s a question I continue to ponder and pray over.

Today I’m considering this calling to ministry.  And then I get caught up in the comparison trap.  My mind goes to the person I envision is living in the midst of God’s call on her life – and I begin to compare myself to her or him.  I’ll never know THAT much scripture. I am just not that educated.  I CAN’T communicate like her.  I’ll NEVER write that many bible studies.   AND so on.  

I go from comparing to defeated in under 3.2 seconds – it’s an amazing gift. 

But all the ‘stuff" I’m comparing is not about ministry, it’s about how people see me.  And that’s not ministry.

Ministry is what God is calling me to, it’s not how many people it impacts, it’s about Him.  …. let’s all pause right here for a moment.  Ministry is about God’s calling not the results of that calling. It’s about His call on my life, not the number of books I sell, the size of the crowds I speak to, or my popularity.  

But I WANT to sell LOTS of books, speak to HUGE crowds and be popular.  Yes, I do!  (Just being real here).  But I also know this is not ministry – it’s just me.  So, I go back to why do I do what I do – and then I realize that it’s really just about One and one.   

I do what I do for the One and Only with a heart to reach just one for Him.  Sure, I want huge crowds, lots of people, and tons of facebook friends & twitter followers, but I can’t do this for crowds, friends or followers. I can try, but I will fail.

I do this because I know He has called me to reach out to that one girl (from 13 to 103) who needs to hear a word of encouragement.  I do it for the one who searching for something more than just church or a weekly Bible study group.  I do it for the one who strives to fill her life with something more than the ordinary. 

I do want to reach her – but I would be lying if I didn’t say this:

it’s hard when only a handful show up when you are speaking

it’s hard when only a few come to your event

it hurts when you’re not the one picked.   

There I said it. I started to NOT say it.  I had this really pretty, tied-neatly-with-a-bow ending about doing it for the ONE and the one.  It was good, trust me, but it wasn’t me – it was what I thought sounded really good – ministry good.  I deleted it all. Now, let’s get to the real stuff.  

I love this calling and I stand in awe of the Lord who called me (of ALL people) to this ministry.  I want to do it well and I know that means walking in His will. But I struggle with wanting to do well in the eyes of my peers.  

This is the real me – I want people to like me.  But I also know this ministry isn’t about being liked, it’s about being real – and some people will like me and others will not.  Sometimes people will show up and other times, it’ll be just one.  And that has to be okay – it just does.  It has to be about Him because if it’s not about Him then it is all about me.  And that thought terrifies me.

What about you –  do you struggle with making it all about Jesus?

And how do you keep it about just Him?

I recently had the privilege to speak at the church of a dear friend, Kim, and to hang out with her and two other incredible women – Lori and Lavonda.  I was also blessed to meet a host of wonderful women at the women’s event.

The topic for the weekend was Journey of Joy: An unchanging God in an ever-changing world.  I prayed, studied, planned, pondered and prepared.  And then God dropped in and made a change – I love how He does that. 

Ditches were really not a part of the message I’d prepared, but apparently God needed me to share my ditches on my journey – and I have a mess o’ ditches to share.  Along with sharing my ditches, I talked about how the Lord directs us to stir clear of those ditches.  Move forward with your eyes on Him. 

Since that day I’ve thought a good bit about staying out of ditches.  Movement, forward movement.  And as I’ve pondered this movement, I’ve asked myself where am I?  Am I moving forward in my walk with Jesus or am I just happy to hang out here – in this comfortable place.

Comfortable is easy.  Comfortable doesn’t require any effort.  I don’t have to DO anything.  I just maintain….or do I? 

As I’ve thought about this I remember what I said about ditches – if you aren’t moving forward you’ll slide off into one.  Think about it like this – if you’re riding a bike up a hill and stop pedaling what happens?  Do you just maintain or do you roll backwards?  

Me?  I would roll backwards and slide right off into a ditch.  It could be a ditch of comparison (Lord, how come she gets to do that and I only get to do this:?), a ditch of self-doubt (Lord, I’m not good enough, young enough, skinny enough, pretty enough…..to do that), a ditch of judging (Lord, just look at that mess she’s making), or one of the many other ditches – legalism, culturalism, self-condemnation to name a few.  

It’s the lack of passion for Jesus that leads me to ditch-living.  I want to have a passion for Jesus.  I want that passion to be contagious – I want people to see Jesus in me, not my ditches.  I want people to see a life transformed, reformed and renewed. 

Moving forward – that’s what I’m doing today, moving forward with my eye on Jesus, not the ditches.  I’m chasing after Him with a passion.  It’s where my heart pulls me – forward.  Onward. Upward.  To Glory. 

 Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls! 

Hebrews 12:2-3 (The Message)

Many of you have heard me talk or read my words about cruising and how much fun I have as a part of the Premier Christian Cruise staff.  I love the work, our customers, my co-workers and cruising.  Contrary to popular belief, I do work while on board the ship and it’s exhausting, but fun. 

I’ll be honest, when I first started this job I felt guilty – very guilty.  I left a position as the director of a nonprofit that works with abused and neglected children to work with a cruise company.  I struggled with my decision – should I do it?

Lord, is this the life you’re calling me to?  Really? Is this truly from You?

It was clear – working with Premier Christian Cruises was truly a God thing.  I know the Lord wants to bless us, His Word teaches me that, but I still struggled with leaving needy children behind.  I often think about the work I did with the nonprofit and pray for the remaining staff and the children they are serving.

On a recent cruise, we visited a group home in the Bahamas.  These children were much like the ones I once worked with – abused, neglected, and abandoned.  I held precious babies and wondered if they would ever know the love of a family.  I laughed and played with two adorable pre-school girls and I stood in awe of the resilience of children. 

As I stood talking to adults about the needs of the children, I felt the slightest pressure against my side.  I looked down into the darkest, most soulful eyes I’ve ever seen.  “Hi, what’s your name?”  Her lips moved, but I could only hear the faintest of sounds.  Finally, I determined her name was Rayann.  While all the other children laughed, played, read us stories, danced around, and entertained us, Rayann stood by my side, just barely pressing against my side. 

We talked… well, I talked and Rayann just looked at me.  As I knelt down to talk with Rayann, I could see the pain in her face, the slight flinch at any fast movement, my heart shattered  – this tiny creature needed protection, but I was just a woman from a cruise.  I was just a part of the team who came to view the home and discuss how we might provide some type of mission experience for our guests. 

We talked ideas, well others talked and I just listened but my attention was on Rayann.  I asked her about school and friends and I struggled to hear her one word answers.  While the adults discussed ways to help, partnership opportunities, and logistically issues, I prayed for wisdom and asked the Lord to protect Rayann. 

Our time together ended way too soon, but those dark eyes and tiny voice are still with me.  They haunt me.  I know the Lord is up to something, but I don’t know what or where He’s leading me. 

He has shown me that my experience of working with the abused, abandoned, and neglected will be used for His work whether it’s in an organization in the states or as a part of a Christian cruise company. 

I don’t know where He is going with this, but I want only to walk in His will. 

What about you?  Is God placing your feet on a new path?

This past weekend I spoke at a women’s conference at Double Springs Baptist Church  — and I absolutely LOVED this group of women!  They are just wonderful and beautiful…. and you’ll just have to take my word for it because I did not take ONE picture, not one! 

But I did take a picture of this adorable basket and a few of the gifts in it  —

And there was SO MUCH more in there – a beautiful candle and wonderful lotions! 

Julie, who is the daughter of Debbie, the wonderful coordinator and sister to Emily, one of my bible study girls, made these incredible plaques —

This was the key verse to the topic I spoke on 

In Him all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge are hidden.  Col 2:3

That is my heart’s desire to walk in wisdom and knowledge of Christ – to walk in the wonder of Christ. 

I just loved being with these women and I stand in awe the Lord who allows me to put my hand to this work!

I recently had a little Black & Decker surgery on my jaw.  First, it was a bone graft – apparently the only skinny thing on me is my jaw bone – and then I had two posts installed in my jaw.  There is still another step or two until we reach the end o the journey. 

Anyway, on to my story.  The dentist prescribed some pain medicine since having two screws imbedded into a newly grown jaw bone can some ….’discomfort’ which we all know is code for ‘hurts like you’ve been punched in the mouth by a prize fighter.’  

The bottle of pills read  ‘take as needed’ and I did.   The pills kept me from just passing out from the pain, but once the pain was gone I no longer needed the pills.  I set those pills on a shelf.  I will pull them out if the pain returns, but for now, I’m good.  

How often have I used Jesus ‘as needed?’ How often have I grabbed ahold of Jesus and held on for dear life during the tough times?  How often have I set Him aside when life is good and troubles aren’t knocking?  How easy it is to call on Jesus when I’m desperate for His help.

My prayer is I never set Him aside.  My prayer is to always NEED Jesus.  My prayer is to need him desperately!

Now, this post could be about food because I do struggle with eating when I’m not hungry, but today I’m talking about being spiritually full.

I have attended conferences, retreats, and events.  I’ve led Bible studies, book studies and written devotions.  I’ve consistently fed myself at the spiritual buffet.

I’ve  spent a lot of time, money and resources on ‘filling myself up’ but I never get full.  I keep heading back to that buffet table. 

My pastor taught from the book of Haggai last Sunday –

Haggai is a prophet in the time of King Darius.  The Lord called people out because they lived in houses while His house, His temple was in ruins.

I think about the church of Jesus Christ in America -is it healthy and vibrant?  In some places, YES, but in others, the answer is No.

⁵ Now this is what the LORD Almighty says: “Give careful thought to your ways. ⁶ You have planted much, but harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it.” Haggai 1:5-6

I have but it’s never enough.  I take the Lord’s blessings and do what with them?

I keep looking to finally FIND that one message, verse, conference, concept that will fill me. I’ve been busy filling up at the spiritual buffet and building my  own house while the house of the Lord, His Church, is crumbling. 

I’ve been busy with my own house while many of the ones He loves are going hungry, or without love, or without a safe place to sleep.  I’ve been busy with my own house….

Does this mean I’ll never attend another conference, Bible study gathering or retreat – of course not, but what it does mean is I’ll learn to find balance.  I’ll keep seeking and craving God and His Word for my life, but I will also go out and share the love of Christ with the world.

And I won’t look to be FULL, but to be re-FILLED.  I want to fill up on Him and pour it out. 

I’m praying and pondering ways to make this happen. 

I would love to hear your ideas for pouring out.  Share away!

Why am I shocked when God is God?  I pray and ask for His affirmation in my life and then I act stunned that He responds as God. 

Am I confusing you?  Hang on, I have a point or three.  God has a plan for my life and I know that . I ask Him for direction and when He makes the next step clear, I’m stunned.  And then I want more. 

I want God to show me His whole plan.  I want to know EXACTLY how this whole thing will play out, but that’s not the way He works.  I have to wait for the whole plan. 

It’s in the waiting that I seek His will.

It’s in the waiting that He builds me up and prepares for the path that He has for me.

It’s in the waiting that I find His strength to take the next step that He will show me – when it’s time.

What about you?  Are you waiting for that next step?

You may hear me reference Deeper Still a time or twenty over the next few weeks/ months, but there is so much to share. 

Priscilla Shirer mentioned the need for girlfriends – and not just any friends, but true wild women of God girlfriends. 

If you’re around me more than a few minutes you quickly realize that I LOVE friends!  I adore hanging out with women, but I also know that we are all chockfull of insecurities and all other junk.  I’ve been blessed to have a host of incredible women around me from my daughters, to my local girls to my girlfriends around the country.  But there was something Priscilla said that resonated with my soul —

Are my girlfriends challenging me to go deeper or they holding me back?  Not to say that any person has the power over another, but  I want friends around me who celebrate victories and challenge me to stretch myself.  I want friends who will hold me accountable.  I want friends who love me for me and push me to be more. 

And that’s the kind of friend I want to be – I want to push, challenge and cajole my girlfriends to be all they can be for God.  I want to see them stretch and push the limits of their abilities.  I want to leap out in faith with them.  Trusting God as we step into the unknown. 

One thing that struck me is the need for girlfriends in your daily life. The Internet has given us some incredible opportunities to build relationships, but if your only friendships are online then you need to examine that.  Online friends are great and many of my online friends are now in my life friends.  But there is a GREAT need for friends you do daily life with – friends in your neighborhood, in your church, at your work.  If you don’t have this, then let’s agree to pray it through.  Let’s pray for wild women of God to come into your daily life.  Women who will push you out of your comfort zone and to the edge – to the place where only God can do it. 

That’s what I want for you and for me. 

What about your girlfriends?  Share your story. And let’s all agree to pray to be wild women of God!!